Saturday, March 8, 2008

science fiction

"Captain, we've lost optical output in the converters in room 100!"
"My god! The molecular reactors cannot function without sustained input from room 100! The life support systems are in danger! Not to mention the crew being unable to perform their duty without proper environmental conditions in the waste dispoal facility!
"I agree, the situation is looking pretty grim. What should I do, Captain?"
"Quickly, energize the emission coils!"
"Coil temperature is reaching 3000 Kelvins, Sir."
"Good. Now decrease the converter frequency to get closer to resonance."
"Decreasing operating frequency 35%... The positive-coefficent thermistors are heating up. No-go, sir. The power controller has detected an overvoltage in the resonant circuit and is shutting down."
"Yellow alert! Everyone prepare for emergency biostasis in case of environmental failure. Officer, reset the controller, move the frequency back up and wait for the thermistors to cool down."
"Done. The emission coils are operational. Increasing field strength to 900 volts per meter."
"Are the atoms responding?"
"Yes, we've got arc ignition. The resonance point is dropping... Hold on, the plasma is getting unstable! It's oscillating chaotically on a subsonic frequency! I can't keep it going! It's out, we've got another overload!"
"Reconfigure the overload threshold to 120% and retry the ignition sequence with a 30% increase in the ionizing field."
"Yes sir. Heating up the emission coils... field is increasing... we've got ignition... no, the plasma column is not holding."
"Try again with 50% field increase for 5 seconds."
"Trying... the protection network cannot hold much longer with all that power coming from the resonant circuit! We've got to get that plasma to increase in density or we're dead!"
[Officer 2 enters command deck] "Captain, the life support systems have shut down! The bioreactor has run out of input material! We need the crew to start shitting NOW!"
[Officer 3] Yes, besides, I can't hold it in much longer! We need to get that damned toilet fixed!
"Red alert! Everyone to the stasis cells now! Prepare for immediate hibernation on my signal. Officer, increase average power to 175% and switch to discontinuous mode."
"The pulse capacitors won't tolerate 175% sir. That's way over their nominal rating! We risk losing the entire converter assembly!"
"I'm willing to take that risk, officer. Quickly, short-circuit the output divider! Decrease the feedback ratio in the boost converter! Adjust the inductive reactance! Lock on that phase! Enhance those FETs!"
"Disabling overload threshold... Increasing main voltage... Setting target frequencies... Yes, we've got constant output! Decreasing power to nominal... Plasma is holding Sir! We've got optical output!"
"Good job, officer! Cancel alert. Everyone report to room 100 in decreasing order of intestinal discomfort. Go get yourself a beer officer!"
"Thank you Captain!"
"Captain's log supplemental. With the optical converters in room 100 fixed, crew morale is better than ever and everything is back to normal. These happenings have delayed our mission to Sirius 5, so unfortunately we missed our chance to meet Ambassador Kuux. Ironically this might have come as a blessing to us, as we learned from a Karbazian subspace transmission that Atheist
terrorists suicide-bombed the Agnostic conference room where the meeting was taking place. They detonated 300 micrograms of superfluid qvadrilithium crystals using a modified antiselenium primer. Both are undetectable to Karbazian bosonic spectrometry scanners. We sent our deepest most sincere regrets to the people of Sirius 5, but we sure are glad our asses weren't fried in the blast. Thus life goes on aboard the Sputnik V, leaving one to wonder just how has humankind evolved over millenia from flesh-eating, spear-wielding top-of-the-foodchainers to space-travelling woosies who won't even take a goddamned shit if there's no light in the toilet."

1 comment:

etor said...

I wonder if dilithium crystals come from human feces...